NTS: must find said girl

...I are creating a list, i shall add more in due time THIS IS JUST SO I DONT FORGET WHO PICKED WHAT

You Belong With Me .Shane

Billie Jean .Thameena

Beat it .Jenish

Dorm Room .Mara

Hallelujah .Janel

Falling For You .Poosh

Showstopper .Jeff

Down .Gopi

Another Bad Goodbye .Sagar P

Say It Again .Steff

She Was Mine .Aiken

Haven't Met You Yet .Kat

If It Kills Me .Janine

Being around myself sucks...


So i think today was the best Monday that I've ever had. Well it wasn't amazing it just felt somewhat good. Despite the constant headaches and what not throughout the day i still managed to enjoy my day.
- 1st period, my teacher wasn't here so i got to sleep :)
- my test was postponed to next week

...that's basically it, not really amazing but still!!

And now... i have to do a good copy for an essay, study for a bio test, prepare for a debate, and study for a math test

Tomorrows going to be terrible... very, very terrible

So yesterday, I had somewhat of heart to heart conversation with someone (yes, I have a heart)

And I felt kinda.. really.. good
like I actually went to sleep!
First time in about 2 months I got more than 4hrs of sleep on a weekday


SO,
Thank You (very much)... eet meanz a lot to teh Chi :)

GOTTA CATCH EM ALL
Cafe night was tonight it was pretty live
..the hours leading up to it were not so live

let me take you back 2 hours before 5:30pm...
i totally blanked out when i got home...
not cause i was tired and not cause i was nervous.. like everything just went blank
and no
I was not asleep
..luckily i was on my bed at the time
but yea, my brain did a total shut down, although i remember having a sharp headache before it went dark and all my muscles in my body tensed up at the same time and poof i was out
and then
*Poof*
I was back again after a bit and I was really dizzy

Then i realized that i had to go to school cause it was like almost 4 and i still haven't showered
so i quickly showered and got ready and was going to head out

and i duno what got into me but i kept forgetting things in my house
I walked in out about 3 times... first time i forgot my leather jacket, then i forgot my performer ID thingy, then i forgot my money >__>

so anyway i was walking at a quick pace because i believe it was already like 4:40
and after awhile it sounded like i could hear my pulse and i was like "WTF". and in truth i said that out loud and some old lady looked at me like O_o

...so yea i slowed down to a really slow pace so my heart rate would go down
luckly the temperature was somewhat chilly
the whole night my chest felt sore and i had random headaches
Basically

1. If i overheat my body will shut down
2. I cant let my blood pressure rise dramatically
   

(even if it already does randomly on its owns)

and when I'm in these moments I feel really raged, angry depressed, agitated, destructive, evil, spontaneous, Doubtful, bleh and extremely bitter

Well at least i had a 3 month time span where none of this shit was happening and now... it starts again

...Why Am I telling you, I'll go to my Doctor tomorrow (Y)

But overall it was a good night, I enjoyed the performances and all da happenings that went on :)


SO BEFORE I START

SHUT THE FUCK UP

So I'm sitting here waiting for my goat to be prepared and i started to think

i really want this week to end, or at least i want friday to be today...and today to be yesterday

But that wouldnt work cause if friday was today, tuesday wouldnt be yesterday. Yesterday would be thurday... and quite frankly thursdays suck

So yesterday I decided not to go to school because i seriously got tired of going.
Like i took my own advice and took a break from everything and stayed at home.
It was relaxing... spending the day away from real people!

Don't get the wrong idea, i like people... but sometimes you're idiots

im making it sound like im not human (and i am) but like comeon sometimes, actually a lot of the time you humans get on my nerves
//yea i make mistakes too, and im an idiot too


BUT FUCK YOU

no offence im just getting alot of things out of my system (no not drugs)

I grow tired of hearing myself complain
But I still wont do anything to stop myself
..So I've been thinking, I really Don't wanna go to Uni. I mean I do want to go! but not now
I feel I've been studying and stressing myself for the 100 years I've been alive.. well that's a lie I have never tried in school!
But still wouldn't it be nice If could take a few extra months off and just relax. To finally put my mind to rest. So I could stop thinking... and stop caring... and stop stressing!!!

Sadly life doesn't work like that, I have to go ahead with my stressful depressing life. Sure there are fun times with my friends and family, but it's not always great..

I guess I'm going to have to spend the next 4 years (and maybe more) putting more stress on my heart...still get those random moments of anger where my blood pressure rises and I either go ballistic or I suppress it till it builds up and I go ballistic!
(Kind of like The Hulk... Except I Don't Turn Green And Smash things)
Basically.. If you see me with my head down, I'm not sleeping I'm just tuning the world out so I can suppress my RAGE
(It's kind of a meditative state but not really)
Both ways I'm (literally) killing myself. Its been 3 months since I've known.. 3 months since I've been keeping watch... 3 months of hoping nothing would happen,
So far so good... well kinda

but anyway I think i just have to make it till the summer or at least Christmas break! Then I can Relax and put myself to rest and sleep in :)

..So LIFE I raise my glass to you! CHEERS you jerk
*raises Winnie the Pooh mug*


P.S I just realized this counts as complaining
Kill a man, and you are an assassin. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone, and you are a god
There's this place it's called home
but for me I don't know where to go
I don't know what I'm supposed to be
or who I am I feel so damn lost in the cold

There's this thing called the heart
well mine beats in the rhythm of the dark
I cant find what my purpose is or who I am
I feel so damn lost in this world


Saving the World's not enough
maybe if I knew a little more about love
than I could finally find who I am
and then you'll agree--
there's more to me than what you see

I can't think anymore
all my thoughts are all scattered on this floor
I'm blinded by all the city lights and hopeless dreams
reality escapes from my soul

-Aj Rafael

Seriously,I need to find a more effective way to suppress and then let go of my anger and frustration. Talking about it would help normal people... but I'm not like them

I'm gotta work quick... this is sounding way to dramatic, but I hope nobody's around when I finally snap

..hmm doctor told me to "stop caring it's going to be the end of me" (seriously, he said that)
..hmm

How are you feeling?
Terrible

What are you doing?
Wasting my life

Whats outside your window?
The Night Sky

Are you stalking Facebook?
No

Are you on msn?
No

How do you see your self in 20years?
Divorced and on the streets

Who is around you?
Two girls that actually enjoy my presence--my 2 guitars

What are you drinking?
Pepsi

How are you feeling now?
Angry... now that i had to fill this thing out

Do you need a Hug?
..i'm in dire need of one


So, for the past couple of weeks I've been seeing you in my dreams, daydreams and other spacing out visual hallucinations ( no i was not high)

what can I say, she's the cutest thing I've ever seen... It's like when i dream of you the lights just shines on you, and yet i still can't seem to see who you are

We've been to the beach, slow dancing in ballroom, sitting on a hill watching the sunset, on and island,scuba diving, and even fighting super villans O_O
The face is so familiar... but it' so strange
I just wanna know who she is!!

Have you seen this girl?

• Dark brown or black hair
• brown eyes
• ..a generally light skinned asian?
  
• enjoys blue or green (can't really remember)
  
• somewhat short..roughly up to my nose level
• cute

Most importantly...she's mine



I ARE HAPPY
HEHEHE

You know your a pretty, complicated individual

Your a total Mindfuck..thats why your amazing

Its been almost a year already.. hmm maybe i should go back and start again cause I'm WAAAY to lazy now

and soccer is over too, so i got nothing to keep me active

pshh I'm so NOT motivated

eh.. I'll think about it, maybe take it slow ;)

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