I started 2009 telling someone that i loved them...
My life went down hill from there

Take my hand, I'll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you threw it all

And you can't keep us apart
'Cause my heart is wherever you are

I hate looking into these thing.. but i can't stop myself.
The truth is the truth

This post will probably make sense to verry veeerrry few people

..One of my friends said that to me in a dream,
and you're never going to guess who

Tendency to blame others?

"Passive aggressive disorder may stem from a specific childhood stimulus (e.g., alcohol/drug addicted parents) in an environment where it was not safe to express frustration or anger. Families in which honest expression of feelings was forbidden tend to teach children to repress and deny their feelings and to use other channels to express their frustration. Children who sugarcoat their hostility do not grow beyond it. Never developing better coping strategies or skills sets for self-expression, they can become adults who, beneath the seductive veneer, harbor vindictive intent. Psychosocial theories implicate projection of negative internal feelings and parental modeling."


So i watched 2012 the other day

and it was kinda stupid... but the effects were pretty badass

The movie got me thinking

...what would i do if the world was going to end?

And i still can't find a good enough answer... well an answer that sounds good enough to me


...must brainstorm
...how can you determine that my life has been shortened by several years?
well, you are a doctor and you know what your talking about
Tbh, it doesn't mean anything now cause im only like 17

but watch watch when i hit 30
I'm going to be freaking out


Oh boy my future isn't depressing at all


In reference to my Facebook status
It hurts, but I never show this pain you'll never know
If only you could see just how lonely and how cold
And frostbit I've become, my back's against the wall
When push come to shove, I just stand up and scream "Fuck 'em all"
the title says it all...

I cant put down the details.. cause there dirty XD
BAH HUMBUG

okay its christmas.... great
I am happy..... great

BUT

I AM NOT IN A CHRISTMASY MOOD

i don't hate Christmas, just it doesn't feel like Christmas to me

but none the less
Merry Christmas to all of you and happy holidays

STAY SAFE

<3
=D






P.S I'm still not feeling the Christmas spirit
WTF... I'M TALKING TO MYSELF

..going totally crazy
I'm unnaturally happy right now
I are scared

but I feel my..for lack of a better word... "monotone" emotions coming back

OH HOW I MISSED YOU MONOTONENESS

..I don't know what to write about
and I've been staring at this page for a long waiting for inspiration to hit
it never came

and a normal person would just not write a post

BUT GUESS WHAT
I'm not normal

...poof

GRAVITY...WANTS TO BRING ME DO0own


and
welcome back to my life
to be honest... I would be surprised if you've actually read up to this far
cause this post is about nothing
kinda like Seinfeld
but not funny


STAY CLASSY SAN DIEGO







HEHEHE
Here I am
Don't Keep Me Waiting
Just extend an arm
Grab my hand
I'll pull you out
I'm waiting for someone to jump out of the bushes and say

"April Fools, the last 8 and a half months of your life was a joke"

but you can't take back life.. well not yet anyway
Today, I woke up in the best mood of my life despite the things described in the previous post.

SO, today I spent a portion of my day with mah buddy mara. Cuz you know we close like peanut butter and jelly yo.
hehehe
but chyeaa, we walked around port credit in the chilly weather, we went to the library and looked at where waldo books

AND I FOUND WALDO THE MOST
...so you owe me a bunch mara ;D

but yea we tried to find waldo for a good 45 mins :)

that was my day.. and yes mara i know.. i owe you a post, one that's better than this



also this next thing has no relevance to anything:

Happeh Hippopotamus Humbly High-fives Horse
right now it's 12:57am
And the left side of me is really hurting like a bitch... And no, not to worry I'm not having a stroke or a heart attack
My body is just very slowly tensing up.. And I think I'm heading into one of my blackouts, but honestly I really want it to happen cause my head hurts, my body hurts and I feel really crappy. I duno why it's happening I was fine at Gary's party. Well for the most part I was, near the end I got this really sharp piercing ringing noise in my left ear, and it resonated into a mild headache and now it's really escelating. Right now (1:12am) most of my body is tensed up and my head is pulsing. I think this is the longest I've stayed alert and concious for during my "episodes". Congratz to me.
I still don't get it, I didn't put myself through any stress tonight and still this is happening. So now all I can do is wait till I black out..hazzah >_>

Wow I realize this took me awhile to type.. I think I'm slowing down. Ignore the spelling mistakes

P.S Gary jour party was the bomb


I'm going to find out which one of you is snitching and telling stories behind my back
and I'm going to make sure you die very slowly and painfully
The YouTube idea was a random thought.So knowing me I would never go through with it, and plus I have too much on my plate right now
And if you don't like what you see on this blog just stop reading it

So there stfu



This title is misleading...

If your hoping on reading a happy post about school being over for christmas and crap

Then stop reading HERE.


So seriously fuck life.To be honest I only pretend to be happy around you people..sure I laugh or smile, but it's all an elaborate hoax. I'm always in my own little bubble of negative energy

..Even though schools over and the stress is hiding in a cave in my mind for a short amount of time.. I still want to kill my self.
It's like i'm atlas (the guy who carried the world on his shoulder) and you took away the earth. Whats that leave me with?
I'm just a guy who's floating around in space
No purpose, no life and all the other things I said about myself in the last few posts.
I'm not saying without school I have no purpose.. I'm just reinforcing the fact that even when I don't have problems I have problems. I am mentally unwell and I am frequenly reminded of that point.
And seriously I am...well was..no I still am

Now it's just a long awaited series
of events that leads to my downfall

"Merry christmas to you"

Everythings wrong.. And don't tell me to look at the brightside

..I think people like me shouldn't be alive anymore
Group suicide anyone?
No no.. I think one death will be good enough
All in favour of me?
"Aye"
It's a landside victory..I win



I'll cast myself to the side
I put myself down
I dig my own grave
..ruin my life

Just because I think of myself like this
it doesn't mean that everything else means nothing

But none the less
I am useless space
I don't help
I cause more problems
My presence is a burden
My presence is a pain
Nothing good
Nothing nice
Nothing considerate
Nothing compassionate
I'm filled with anger
I'm filled with hate
I'm filled with ice
I'm filled with poison
...Fucking useless

The only thing you can do is cut into life and pull me out before I explode
..and all you'll have is a scar on your stomach to remember me by




We stand at the edge
Thinking to cross
Walking around takes too long
We're young
Lets take a shortcut
..and walk across
We'll leave our past on this side
and find a future on the other

Don't be scared take my hand
Just take baby steps
..Now we can pick up the pace
Don't worry about that cracking noise
I assure you it's alright
Just keep your eyes on the horizon
and just keep going

Maybe we should pick up the pace
But its up to you
I wont rush

Ignore the noise
Look, you can see the other side
You can start running now

This is as far as I go
You can make the rest of the way alone
I'll make sure no one bothers you here
Don't cry, I'll be back

..I'm Just going to break the ice
I wasn't alive yesterday..
I Die Tomorrow..
I Live Today

Here just take it kid...it would probably do u more good than it did me

..Trust me I know how it is

*rips out heart*

1. Talented Musician
2. Talented Singer
3. Good looking Asian
   
4. Someone with an accent
5. Big Boobs
6. A sidekick
7. A video worthy peronality
   

...And I'll be dancing with myself



I said that i would "force" myself to be happeh
...Lets put it simply
I lied

On a more positive note, my headaches and such are back (Y)

but seriously.. on a real positive note, FUCKING CHRISTMAS BREAK
homg, I seriously cannot wait.
So apparently sadness and heartbreak can kill you.. No like seriously, my bio teacher was talking about it. It's actually kinda interesting...





HEY YOU... I looked into your eyes... I know something is wrong






So.. I think im going to TRY and force myself to be happeh person
*cough*
*cough*

ALSO EXACTLY 3 YEARS FROM NOW YOU WILL BE DEAD

LOLOLOLOOLOL
..It's like living in a world with no air


so its been roughly 10 posts of complaining
and i think its time to conclude


They're idiots, they're a bit too sensitive, they get on my nerves, they can be jerks, they are really persistent, really annoying, I just want to kill them

..but all in all they are my friends.

I comfortably made a shell for me to live in...
and ill Ignore all the problems, food, TV, Computer, People

WAIT
scratch that!!
Ill keep my food and my computer...i would keep the TV but Glee is over now.
but i don't think i need people.. cause people bring problems.

Yes..Yes.. this is my plan my Master Plan:


Fuck, fuck, fuck...I shoulda seen this comming when I realized I was getting minimal sleep

..yes ladies and gentz I'll be slightly insomniatic this week
Oh joy!..

I say slightly because I won't sleep tonight.. Maybe not even the next night
But slowly., Ill sleep for an hour, then 2 hours the next day
Etc..etc...till my sleeping pattern is some what fixed

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I have grad pics this week too

Shiitz neegah I fucking hate it when this happens..

..My Dreams are getting out of hand and so is reality
I can't think straight anymore... Mr.Doctor is right

My body is subconsciously taking care of the stress in drastic ways. At least now I know it isn't a physical problem with my blood pumping organ... It's all psychological

I brought it on myself... years and years of holding back and now everything is going to lash out at once... or brief explosions of... Insanity?
Yes, I am insane... well not straitjacket insane, but mentally insane non-the less. And yes, I have come to terms with it. Actually only slightly come to terms with it

... WTF am I going to do with myself

"You know what Chi... your going to live life the way your living it now
FUCK YOU YOUR ON YOUR OWN NOW CHI... ALL ALONE"

...and thank you J9 with fixing up mah new bloglayout :)



NTS: change picture of self
firstly,
THATS FUCKING RIGHT (dream) JOSH CAMACHO... I FUCKING PUSHED YOU OFF A CLIFF/WATERFALL AND YOUR FUCKING DEAD

REVENGE BITCH
AHAHA

secondly,

I've been thinking a lot lately LIKE A LOT A LOT. Which is actually nothing new, and I'm starting to believe in humanity. Not humanity as a whole, just the pieces of it that I'm exposed to..

Thirdly,
I lied about the second point. I don't believe in you humanity or the little pieces of you. However, I'm starting to believe in individuals. Some unlikely people have become my new hero/heroines. And I question the some of the old ones... because its not the same.
Everything's changed, when I used to have everything under control.
All my players were in there proper place... now new players joined the game. I could deal with that, i just adjusted my strategy accordingly
Now too many factors have changed..and I can't change things accordingly

I'm just going to take a page from "God"

When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all...

Ill play by that nao..
"The room is spinnin'
And I can't breathe
And oh my head is just achin"

It went blank again... I think roughly around 3:30ish
still not to sure exactly
not to worry

Anywho...
the time has arrived.. I gotta actually apply for uni's and crap

BLEH

and btw the figurative fog in my head has not lifted

also

YOUR FACE
..It's weird, when i get my headaches I have the sudden urge to go apeshit.
and holding it in makes me have bigger headaches, yet letting it out also gives me headaches

what a perplexing situation!

WELL ANYWAY

guess what Kamaljit Singh Jhooti
LOLOL... Wikipedia that name or Google it


so yea, I have much to say but don't know how to say it
my minds to foggy

Nothings clear and it's really fucking with me

There are literally thousands of thoughts, ideas, memories and other things trying to surface at the same time in my head

so you can imagine how that works.

Its like watching 4 fat people trying to get through the same door at the same time... The either break the door... or get stuck

and the door is my mind

So i don't know what to do.

I was reading some xmen stuffs... and i really wish i knew a telepathic mutant like Professor X
If he can help out Wolverine
he would be really useful to me right now



CALLING ALL TELEPATH'S

...i need your help, please


P.S-i used an X-men reference cause it lightens the situation thats going on with me, just letting you know


++ I use humor to distract you from the reality of MY life

Cbox recommanded : ]